Children don't need a 'perfect' mother

A few days ago I baby-sat for a friend of mine. She is a young mother with a new baby. It was so much fun to snuggle the little "princess" in my arms as I fed her the bottle. It was a great experience to rock her to sleep and smell her soft, baby skin.

  All too soon, I realized it was early afternoon and my breakfast dishes were still piled high in the sink. My bed had not been made and I had completely forgotten about my laundry. The best part about all of this ... I did not care one bit!!

  I remember being a young, frazzled mother. I wanted to be the perfect mother so I made sure the dishes were always done, beds were always made and toys were always put away. I took childbirth classes, which taught me how to breathe. I also learned really important stuff like diapering and bathing my new baby. Wow - I was destined to be the perfect mother!

  Remember Harriet from "Ozzie and Harriet"? What about Florence from "The Brady Bunch"? I thought they were the "perfect mothers." They always looked great. Their matching clothes were always ironed. Their hair was always impeccable. There was never a toy left anywhere. The thing that made them really perfect (in my eyes) was that dinner was always on the table when their husbands came home ... and there were no dishes in the sink! I never saw these ladies yell or even look frazzled. I wanted to be just like them!

  Oh, if I could do it all over again, I would be a much better mother!! I was so worried about insignificant things. If I could do it all again, I would tell my young friend to leave the dishes, not worry about the laundry and it’s OK if the bed never gets made! I would also tell her ...

  Let the dishes go: No one cares if they walk into your home and see plates on the counter or in the sink. They probably have dirty dishes piled in their own sinks!

  Let them have a pacifier if they want one: Erma Bombeck said, "A group of women was discussing the ten most significant contributions to the quality of life ... some said penicillin, some said electricity ... I don’t care what women say, the No. 1 choice for me is the pacifier. How many women would be with us today were it not for that little, rubber-plastic nipple that you jammed in a baby’s face to keep him from crying?"

  Keep toys out: Kids need to play and experience. Child development experts agree that play is very important in the learning and emotional development of all children. Play is multi-faceted. Play is how children experience fun and joy. Through play, children develop their personalities and a positive sense of self, realize their potential and experience success. Play unlocks children's creativity and imagination, and develops reading, thinking and problem solving skills as well as motor skills.

  Let them wear what they want: If they want to wear the same outfit for 12 days in a row, let them! If they want to wear their Cinderella costume to the pediatrician, let them. If they want to do their own hair, let them. At age 5, my very independent daughter started doing her own hair. As I dropped her off at school, I always said, "Make sure you tell your teacher that you did your own hair today - she will be so proud of you." (I wanted to make sure the teacher knew I didn’t do that to my kid’s hair).

  Let them eat candy for breakfast on their birthday: There is protein in a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, right? Remember "The Bill Cosby Show" when he gave his kids chocolate cake for breakfast and the kids were singing, "Dad is great ... we’re eating chocolate cake"? Kids will not die if they eat sugar on their birthdays. Did you know kids will not die if they eat their Halloween candy, either?

  Let them have a pet: Pets are messy. Pets die. Every child’s pet ends up being the parents’ responsibility. We have had dogs, lizards, fish, snakes, turtles, sheep, mice, gerbils and I can’t remember what else! I hated it, but the kids loved it! I wish I would have loved those animals with them just a little bit more.

  It’s OK to buy a birthday cake (or the treat for the school party):  You don’t have to spend three hours making the most adorable cake just so the kids can eat it! Goodness, buy a cake and let them eat that. Spend that three hours playing or reading with them.

  Finally, let them crawl into bed with you: Oh, I miss the morning snuggles. I even miss the middle-of-the-night snuggles. My "babies" were so soft and warm and molded into my arms. My kids are now young adults and I will never, ever get those snuggles back. Thankfully, those memories will forever be emblazoned into my mind and heart.

  I love this little reminder for all of us -

  The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

  for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

  So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.

  I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

  My advice to my friend and all young mothers? Perhaps we should redefine perfection. Snuggle and play and love and laugh with Jaida. I hope to see dishes in your sink on my next visit!

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Christina Hawkey is a professor of family studies at Arizona Western College. She can be reached at christina.hawkey@azwestern.edu.