Dealing with divorce during the holiday season

  During the holiday season, divorce can add a new level of chaos as many family members want to spend time with the children that make this season so magical. Often the stress and excitement of Christmas combined with the strain of split parenting schedules can bring out new behavior in both parents and children.

  For children, holidays may bring up a kaleidoscope of emotions. They may feel sad as they reflect on their family prior to divorce. They may feel angry at being shuffled back and forth. They may also feel guilty about leaving one of their parents alone on a holiday.

  Parents may feel frustrated at problems that existed during marriage flaring up with the extra communication and contact that is required over the holiday break.

  There are many tips for families who are dealing with divorce during the holiday season.

  Make sure to let children know where and who they will be with and stick to the schedule you have planned. This helps a child feel secure and assists in maintaining a trusting relationship between everyone involved with the holiday schedule.

  Create new traditions. This may include celebrating your own special holiday a few days before or after the real date.

  Be consistent with household rules. It is easy to allow kids to run wild if you are only going to have to deal with sugar rushes, bad behavior, or sleep deprivation for a few days at a time and then drop them off at the other parent’s house. However, children need guidelines and boundaries to function best, especially with the chaos of the holidays.

  Don’t let guilt create overindulgence. It won’t take away your remorse or compensate for custody arrangements - it will only make for a spoiled child.

  Always keep the best interest of the child in mind. Over the years of teaching family studies, I have invited many guest panels to speak in my classes about growing up with divorced parents. Without fail, the panel members reflect back on how their parents treated and talked about each other.

  A general consensus results with one major lesson: It is never OK to say bad things about the other parent even if it is true. Not only are you attacking the genetic foundation of your child, you are compromising the respect they will have for you years down the road.

  Give your children permission to love both parents. Sometimes we humans act like love is a limited commodity. In the case of divorce, this translates into assuming children only have enough love for one side of the family.

  The reality is, however, the more you love the more love you have to give. Teach this to your children. Tell them how big their hearts are and how they can love everyone and still have more love to give.

  If you won’t be with your children on the big holidays, make sure you have plans of your own. Sitting at home listening to renditions of "All by Myself" while crying over a glass of vodka won’t change the custody arrangements.

  Volunteer with people in the community, walk shelter animals, or visit friends and family. Try to enjoy the time you have to yourself and create happy memories to share with your children.

  Most important, enjoy your children and celebrate each moment you have with them regardless of the day.

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Melissa Gibson Behunin is a professor of psychology and family studies at Arizona Western College. She can be reached at 344-7556 or melissa.behunin@azwestern.edu.