Don't tell me 'just fine'

  When my daughter started kindergarten, I worried about separation anxiety, only to find that I was the only one horribly afflicted.

  I wanted to know everything about her school day. I wanted to hear the details of snacks, the particulars of play time, and every story, song, or art project she enjoyed while I was away.

  She, however, was not very excited to tell me the details of her day. Despite my dedicated efforts to find out her perception of daily events, she usually answered every question with a "my day was great, mom" or "everything was just fine."

  About a month into the school year, I couldn't stand the many hours during the day that slipped by without me knowing what was going on in her life. I had volunteered at her school and I knew she was doing and learning amazing things and making wonderful friends, but when I asked, "How was your day?" our conversations came to a screeching halt. I knew it was time to get creative if I was going to be informed about our time apart.

  My first idea came to me in the form of a birthday party revelation. An intense game of charades was taking place with a bunch of 5-year-olds, when I realized I was limiting myself with verbal communication. The next day, I picked up my daughter and explained a new game we were going to play when we got home, called my day in charades.

  In order to play, she had to think about her day and show me, using no words at all, just motions. And, of course, I would do the same. After an hour of laughter, I finally got what I wanted: her perception of a day in the life of a kindergartner.

  After the first solution came to me, it was easy. Some days we would draw pictures to describe our day, other days we would write poems, and on particularly musical days, we would write music or bust out a few lyrical lines.

  The bonus was the laughter and memories we were creating in the process. (Let's just say that a department meeting in charades is almost as fun as a 6-year-old's version of what lunchroom meatloaf should sound like on the piano!)

  Part of being a parent is creating behavior patterns with your children from birth. Parenting experts claim that problems during the teen years can be largely circumvented by good communication and high levels of parental involvement. By creating a behavior pattern that facilitates a good relationship early on, it will be that much easier to connect later when developmental issues arise.

  Now that my daughter is getting ready to start middle school, we don't play charades the same way we used to. However, our communication has a strong foundation. She still likes silly songs and can talk for hours about friends and school. I rarely get the "just fine" answer when I ask about her day.

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Melissa Gibson Behunin is a professor of psychology and family studies at Arizona Western College. She can be reached at 344-7556 or melissa.behunin@azwestern.edu.