Post-neutering implants give dogs (and their humans) peace of mind

Fido may be sporting implants now that he's been fixed, but you'll have to ask him about it. Only his veterinarian knows for sure, and he or she's not saying a word.

Dogs around the world are getting possibly the most curious gift a pooch can receive: testicular implants. Most humans and dogs themselves really can't tell the difference, and that's good news for dog owners who opt for this procedure for keeping their male dogs looking, well, fully intact.

Greg Miller swears that a dog losing his testicles means a potentially serious blow to his sense of well-being. That's why he invented Neuticles and why he thinks that makes him Fido's best friend.

"Wouldn't he know that the body part he's been cleaning all the time is missing? It just makes sense," Miller told The Sun during a phone interview from his Missouri headquarters. "My customers tell me that their dogs are so much happier not knowing they were neutered."

Then there's the feelings of the other critter involved the equation: the owner. Miller stressed that a dog's appearance and comfort mean a great deal to owners, who are willing to pay a few extra bucks to keep everyone involved happy with the post-snip outcome.

"They cut off a dog's testicles and suddenly he becomes female in appearance," Miller said. "People want their dog to look natural. With the Neuticles, it looks like nothing's changed at all."

Veterinarian Cheryl Haugo with Desert Veterinary Clinic in Yuma said that male dog owners get creeped out by the whole neutering process a lot more often than people might think.

"I've seen a lot of cases where I have to talk about it to the wife more," Haugo said, calling men's reaction a mix of squeamishness and male-to-male guilt. "It's a discussion that is more than some men can handle."

Haugo added that although she hasn't implanted Neuticles, she agrees with Miller's argument that the implants probably facilitate many neuterings that otherwise may not have happened.

"If the loss of testicles is a deal breaker for someone, then I think this would be a good thing," she said. "For husbands who tend to be more hesitant about the (neutering) procedure, we discuss all the many health benefits involved. Then more people come around than who don't."

A sure trigger for giggles or groans whenever they're mentioned, Neuticles are actually just small, straightforward pieces of solid polypropylene. It's the same stuff used to make dishwasher-safe food containers.

Neuticles are shaped just like the real thing, and thanks to research Miller performed with real pairs from various breeds, Neuticles are also just the right size and weight.

They are implanted right after the veterinarian removes the real testicles.

"It doesn't take long at all, either," Miller says. "The actually implantation of the Neuticles takes only seconds. Vets are just popping them in."

Neuticles' splash in Yuma hasn't been very big yet. Most veterinarian clinics here haven't implanted Neuticles, but those who have eagerly report positive results.

"I've only done it a handful of times," said Dr. Jeri Dioguardi with Foothills Animal Hospital. "It's nothing we advertise and is certainly something I have

recommended only for a few people. But everyone has been happy who has done it."

Dioguardi added, though, that she doesn't see Neuticles becoming much more popular, at least at her clinic.

"If they become less expensive, they might increase in popularity," the veterinarian said. "This is not really a wealthy area and it is hard for more people to afford the cost of the castration itself, let alone pay more for fake testicles."

Miller sells Neuticles for $94 a pair for little dogs up to $129 for bigger breeds.

Naysayers often insist that the kindly inventor has stumbled across something fringe at best. But Miller's got the numbers to prove that Neuticles are anything but a fad and feed more than just a minority market out there in the rest of the world.

To date, 240,000 animals have been decked out with Neuticles. They've been implanted in all 50 states, as well as in 49 countries.

And dogs aren't the only lucky ones these days. Miller has since designed Neuticles for cats, horses and bulls. Custom jobs have included a monkey in Arkansas and a water buffalo in Colorado, and one guy even called for a quote on Neuticles for an elephant - but Miller thinks it was a joke.

Folks around the world know about Neuticles because Miller benefits from the fact that the media love something different and his product more than delivers on that front.

Neuticles have been written up in the New York Times, Washington Post and USA Today. They've been featured on "CBS Evening News," Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel. Neuticles have even shown up on "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Legalities keep Miller from naming his famous customers, but he says he has served a couple actors and recently some football players in California.

"I can name the founder of Hustler magazine, Larry Flynt. I can say his name because he told the New York Post about his dog's Neuticles five years ago."

It all began back in the 1990s with a dog destined to be famous. He was Miller's beloved bloodhound, Buck. He's the fella whose neutering gave Miller his greatest idea.

"Buck was just devastated," he said.

Miller had worked in journalism and then the candy industry, where he invented the SweeTube - plastic tubes filled with candies. At one point Wal-Mart snatched up $670,000 worth of the goodies, but then the numbers all went south.

"I got sick of candy and it had just run its course," he said. "Then I had to think of something new."

When Buck died several years ago, The Associated Press hailed him as the world's first canine co-inventer.

Yuma veterinarians Dioguardi and Haugo agreed that Buck probably hasn't led his fellow dogs down the wrong path, either. Neither saw the implants as being cruel in any way or the source of any possible discomfort for the dog.

Haugo, however, mentioned concern about infections and the chance of the body rejecting the foreign substance, although Miller says it's never happened - not even once. He added that Neuticles are covered for up to $2 million per procedure, just for added assurance.

Dioguardi said: "I don't think there are any dangers at all. You already have the incision. You're just popping a couple round balls in there and sewing the site shut."

The animal docs also concurred, however, that they don't think dogs really care about having testicles or not.

"Most dogs go home and it's like they say 'Surgery? What surgery?'" Haugo said. "I don't think the dog cares a lick."

Dioguardi echoed the sentiment about dogs missing that certain body part.

"I really don't think they don't give a diddlysquat."

WHAT ARE HUMANS SAYING ABOUT NEUTICLES?

"Neuticles are just plain neat!"

- Rush Limbaugh

"Neuticles are a fix for the fix."

- United Features Syndicate

"Neutered dogs have new reason to bark."

- The Idaho Statesman

Source: www.neuticles.com

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Darin Fenger can be reached at

dfenger@yumasun.com or 539-6860.