Women should stop brushing off praise

Laura Benjamin can't bite her tongue fast enough. Compliment her on her yellow sweater and she'll immediately tell you how much it cost and where she got it.

More notable, however, is what she doesn't just say: "thank you."

She's not alone. Women often find it hard to give a simple "thank you," and leave it at that, when they get a compliment. They even go out of their way to justify why the attention isn't necessary.

"This old thing? I got it years ago - on sale!"

"Oh, it was nothing."

"I couldn't have done it without Kate - she's the one who deserves the credit."

Why is it so hard to just say thanks?

"(Women) try to be so supportive of one another, to the point where we cannot graciously accept the fact that there might be an imbalance in the relationship," said Benjamin, a communication and career coach based in Colorado Springs, Colo. It's something even Benjamin struggles with.

"I think some women feel like, 'If I accept a compliment, it means that somehow I'm better than you.'"

But women need to get over it, said Lizzie Post, great-great-granddaughter of etiquette expert Emily Post and author of "How Do You Work This Life Thing?," a guide for young adults starting out on their own.

"Let me tell you ladies - it's OK to know that you're pretty. It's OK for you to know that you're wearing a really cool dress," Post said. "We got to stop with the self-pity, the 'I'm not good enough.'"

Whether you're trying to be humble or dodge the limelight, brushing off compliments can be more hurtful and detrimental than you think.

Rebuffing a compliment - no matter how you do it - is similar to returning a housewarming gift; like saying, "Thanks, but I don't need this thoughtful present."

"It's the same thing when you brush off a compliment," Benjamin said. "You're giving the gift back to them and you're really rejecting it."

Although we tend to brush off those closest to us (she's your mom, she has to say nice things, right?), they are often the people we hurt the most by doing so.

"You're basically saying, 'Your judgment is really off' or 'You're lying to me,'" said Nicky Marone, CEO of Smart-Girl, an organization focused on building confidence in middle school girls.

Dodging compliments can also be destructive in the office, where positive attention (and the proper acceptance of such) can help women advance.

Because women tend to take the humble route, they often sabotage themselves. The more they say "it wasn't a big deal," the more they (and other people) believe it.

"What you're doing is devaluing your own accomplishments," Marone said. "You're teaching your boss to devalue your efforts."

Take a hint from the guys, who are typically experts at taking a compliment. But don't go too far imitating their behavior - the stereotypical male ego tends to go overboard and downplay external support, said Abby Ferber, professor of sociology and women's studies at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs.

If compliments are something you struggle with, don't be too hard on yourself - experts say our reaction isn't necessarily conscious.

Traditional women's work often went unrecognized, so when their accomplishments are noticed, they often don't know how to react, Ferber said. Whether you're the type of person who hates the spotlight, one who disagrees with the compliment or just someone who doesn't know what to say, it's necessary to learn to accept a compliment properly. The first step is recognizing you may have to work at it.

Leacia Brilliant, president of Colorado Springs-based Brazos Builders, said accepting compliments has been a great confidence-builder and business skill. But Brilliant wasn't always great at it, so she enlisted her friends to point out when she shrugs off a compliment.

"I've found for me that works because I know it constantly keeps it in my train of thought," Brilliant said.

The second step: changing what you say. Experts suggested "I appreciate that" or "I'm glad you noticed - I worked really hard."

But all you really need are two words: Thank you.