What can you do to strengthen relationships?

Relationships with others are crucial in every person's life. Each of us was conceived as a result of an intimate relationship, each of us was born into a relationship and we live most of our lives in relationships. All of these relationships greatly influence the kind of person each of us becomes.

In the past 50 years, a new science of interpersonal relationships has been developed. Through thousands of scientific research studies, a greater understanding of what makes relationships in families, schools and organizations healthy, strong, desirable, and lasting has been gained. Studies prove what makes good relationships and what breaks them.

One exciting discovery of this new science of relationships is that there are common skills for making all your relationships sound and satisfying. The skills strengthen and enrich all relationships - both in the family and outside. Exactly the same skills strengthen marriages, teacher-student relationships, and manager-worker relationships.

The quality of a couple's relationship has a profound effect on their children. The way partners relate to each other is perhaps the strongest model for the behavior of their children. Unless parents learn how to build a loving, stable and peaceful relationship with each other, they probably won't build a good relationship with their children.

There are procedures to peacefully resolve conflicts. Relationship conflicts are inevitable, but they are less likely to lead to unhappiness or divorce when the partners have good conflict-resolution skills, good listening skills and good self-disclosure skills. You can learn the skills that help grow strong, healthy relationships.

Two of the most critical things you can learn are good communication skills and conflict-resolution skills. Why? Because after that early "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is over, conflicts inevitably come up.

How a couple deals with those is critical. Enhancing the positive things about your relationship and dealing with the challenges constructively is the best way to proceed.

One study proved that the couples who describe themselves as very happy after many years of marriage have interactions that are 5-to-1 positive. How can you get this magic ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions? That means for every one negative interaction (misunderstanding, disagreement, tension, fight) you have with your partner, you need five positive interactions (loving, affec- tionate, friendly, caring) to counterbalance it.

Tips for improving communication skills and enhancing intimacy:

*Take time for your relationship. Treat it as important.

*Be present and focused when communicating.

*Take turns listening and talking.

*Use "I" statements as much as possible; don't blame your partner.

*Refuse to engage in hostile behaviors, such as name-calling and insults.

*Stick to the present and don't bring up the past as ammunition when you do have a conflict.

*Be specific about things you want changed; be constructive and proactive and don't just complain.

What about sex?

*Stop thinking sex is supposed to adhere to Hollywood standards where everything is perfect every time.

*Consider sex in your relationship as ever-changing and evolving over time.

*Find ways to connect romantically without it necessarily leading to sex. Cuddling or holding each other in bed also can be sexual.

*Look at your relationship now. If you currently do not have the 5:1 positive-to-negative ratio, think about how you can make some deposits in your relationship's "emotional bank account."

Do something thoughtful and caring for your partner today. Give a compliment, be affectionate, make a special meal, plan a fun date, give a card or a little gift, or even do one of your partner's chores.

These daily caring behaviors or deposits in your emotional bank account will go a long way to strengthen your relationship. Give it a try! You have nothing to lose and lots to gain.