Important rules to remember this Super Bowl Sunday
Super Bowl Sunday is upon us.
It's a national holiday, Mardi Gras, and Oktoberfest all piled together. It is a time to gather, exchange pleasantries and watch the zenith of American sports. It's a time for the end of football.
We have March Madness and the World Series to look forward to, but they don't inspire Americans to act like they do on Super Bowl Sunday. Part of our culture is to cram as many fans into a given area and enjoy themselves as much as possible. Yes, the Ravens are playing the 49ers. Yes, it's the first time two brothers are coaching against each other. But it really doesn't matter who is playing, Super Bowl Sunday means Super Bowl Party.
For the real fans there are some helpful rules for you to follow when you venture to your destination. Don't worry about leaving the party early. The only ones on the road will be cars with Dominoes, Pizza Hut and Papa John's lights on the roof scurrying to a thousand locations.
I have composed seven rules that may be helpful to the true football fan this coming Sunday. I hope you follow and enjoy.
Rule No. 1
Beware of foods you're not really sure of at your Super Bowl party. You can ruin your evening if you pile your potato chips with a disguised dip that is loaded with hot peppers that were used in the Spanish Inquisition to extract the truth. Nothing worse than sucking on an ice cube and wiping your brow for a whole half.
Rule No. 2
Stay away from people that are not football fans when you are seated around the big screen. They ask too many questions and all they are really interested in is whether Beyonce will pull a Janet Jackson.
Rule No. 3
Don't get depressed if you don't win a square on the party football pool. I know that your square had 7 and 3 at the end of the first quarter. But Super Bowl lore has told us the winners are reserved for the lady that made great scalloped potatoes and thinks Tom Brady is one of the kids on the “Brady Bunch.”
Rule No. 4
Pace yourself when you are eating and drinking. Start with carrot sticks and celery. Wait until second half kickoff before you load your plate with enough food to feed half of Somalia. You don't want to miss an exciting fourth quarter, when all you are thinking about is sleep and work on Monday.
Rule No. 5
Stay away from people that are there just for the party. Yes, they are great people, but this is Super Bowl Sunday. You especially don't want to hear about who the Republicans might run in ‘16 or will the price of gold hit $1500. It's fourth-and-one on the five – please.
Rule No. 6
Be kind to the people that are there just to watch the new commercials. They had better be good because they're paying billions to have you watch them. I know a polar bear and her cubs drinking Coke is novel, but I'm going to see the same ad five hundred times during the year.
Rule No. 7
Find an unobstructed seat in your host's living room. Make sure it is within six steps of the bathroom and eight steps to the food and drink. Preferably to the side so you don't have to peek around two guests standing in front of the TV lamenting “I haven't seen you in ages.
If you follow these rules, you can have a reasonable good time no matter who wins. If this Super Bowl is a blowout, disregard the seven rules and be yourself.
John Blabe is the former athletic director and football coach at Antelope Union High School. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.